love me for a reason and let the reason be love

Seringkali bila kita menyayangi seseorang, ia turut diiringi perasaan ingin disayangi olehnya sebagaimana kita menyayanginya atau lebih. Tapi, pernahkah kita terfikir bahawa walau bagaimana dalam sekalipun rasa sayang kita terhadap seseorang, sebagai manusia biasa adalah sesuatu yang sangat sukar untuk meneka jika mereka juga menyayangi kita. Ini sering membuatkan aku rage.

Itu belum lagi bercakap tentang fasa percintaan itu sendiri. Di awal musim romantis, setiap hari paling kurang 10 SMS. Pagi – Good Morning, Breakfast, Tengahari – Lunch, Malam – Dinner, Goodnite, Sleep well dan begitu lah hari-hari seterusnya selama setahun. Setiap SMS pasti dibalas. Masuk tahun kedua hanya tinggal Tengahari – Lunch, Everything ok? Dan Malam – Goodnite. Masuk tahun kedua, ada SMS berbentuk ‘pertanyaan’ tidak berjawab sehinggalah soalan yang sama diulang dengan susunan ayat yang lain. Sehari SMS down to 3 ala kadar sahaja. Ini juga membuatkan aku rage.

Tarikh-tarikh penting adalah sangat istimewa bagi perempuan. Contohnya, Birthday dan Anniversary of 1st time declare as a couple. Lelaki pula, secara alaminya sering lupa hari-hari yang istimewa ini. Tahun pertama as couple, ucapan Happy Birthday darinya datang pada pukul 10 malam di penghujung hari. Aku sangat rage pada hari itu. Turns out, someone else meraikan Birthday yang sama dengan aku, his course mate at that teacher’s college. Seiring dengan kejujurannya, ucapan Happy Birthday diiringi dengan pernyataan minta maaf sebab agak lupa. Aku boleh terima kalau lupa Birthday aku di tahun kedua or ketiga percintaan, but tahun pertama sudah lupa, ini sungguh WTFBBQ! Tapi akhirnya I found out, dia memang seorang pelupa. Lupa dompet, lupa kunci kereta .. tipikal seorang lelaki. Jangan lupa nama aku sudah lah.

Setahun bercinta, masalah ex-girlfriend muncul (erks .. awalnya). Masalah muncul dengan cara yang WTF, but sebagai seorang yang cool, aku cuba untuk menenteramkan jiwa yang kacau. Dan sejak itu sebagai seorang perempuan yang telah hilang kepercayaan terhadap kekasih hati, isu tentang insiden ex-girlfriend selalu diungkit walaupun ketika itu isu yang berbangkit adalah isu melanggar seekor anjing. Aku marah sebab anjing adalah antara binatang yang comel.

Masalah ex-girlfriend tu pula tak pernah habis. Ex-girlfriend nak dia balik, tapi dia sudah terikat hati dengan aku. Aku pula hangin bila tau the ex menggunakan segala macam cara nak jumpa dia termasuk lah hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan harta benda yang dikongsi bersama semasa bercinta. Dan akhirnya, aku dapat tahu mereka bertemu juga a few times, semuanya atas alasan ‘hanya kawan’. Setiap kali aku rage dan mengungkit hal ini, setiap kali itu juga dia dengan sabarnya mengatakan dia sayang aku dan the ex hanya tinggal kawan. Bullshit! Aku sangat rage dengan hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan kepercayaan. Apalagi bila relationship jenis long-distance ini. Aku juga sangat tak suka bila aku yang perlu membuat keputusan untuk seorang lelaki. A man was created to protect and lead a woman or so I thought.

Tapi bila aku balik bertemu mata sama mata dengannya, I am so surprise that he is so in love with me. Tidak perlu berkata romantis, cinta dan sayang kepada diri ini cukup jelas di matanya. Kejujuran jelas terbayang di setiap bait katanya yang hanya sepatah dua. Aku kah yang paranoia tidak ingin ditipu lagi? Dia tidak membuat keputusan kerana ingin memberi aku pilihan, I forgot the days when I don’t have choices at all. The most surprising thing about him is kesabaran tahap ultraman gaia dalam dirinya. Even when I throwing tantrum in front of him, he never loses his cool, never raised his voice, still looking calmly at me. I have never met his parent, but whoever they are I must praised their raising skill; you got in your family a godlike child with the most serene smile I’ve ever seen.

Dan entah sihir apa yang diguna, tetapi when he said ‘I love you and you are the only one. Others are just friend’ without looking directly at me. I believe him. Ianya sama seperti bila kita jawab ‘aku takde duit la’ bila seorang kenalan rapat ajak masuk MLM dengan modal RM10, 000. Aku percaya, sebab kalau aku ada duit RM10k, tak mungkin aku invest masuk MLM.LMAO!

Sememangnya kita tidak dapat meneka sedalam mana cinta seseorang kepada kita. Kita cuma perlu mempercayai cinta itu wujud dan melakukan yang terbaik untuknya, jangan meragui kesetiaan, tak kisah apa pun yang terjadi selepas itu, kita tak perlu menyesal kerana kita telah pun melakukan yang terbaik dan termampu. Sesungguhnya kita semua adalah manusia dan bukannya mahkluk asing.

Seperti kata pujangga ‘when we do something because of love, no matter what the outcome, you can never call it a mistake’ ok, akulah pujangga itu. Ini bukan kisah cinta seperti dalam drama korea, perempuan berkelakuan comel dan berpakaian pelik bercinta dengan lelaki dari golongan berada yang berpakaian skema berlatarbelakangkan musim dingin dan semestinya salji sedang turun.

Apa-apa pun, Selamat Hari Ulangtahun buatmu. Even if you marry someone else, you are still the greatest gift of life ever gave to me. Tuhan telah menciptakan senyumanmu untuk menghilangkan stress aku. Maaf kerana aku juga tipikal perempuan. LOL.

new year, new chapter, new beginning

Boarding on the flight going back home, for 2 hours my mind started drifting to the memories.

Once, I was told a story of someone losing his uncle. When everybody came home but he didn't, rumours travel around mocking his absence at the funeral. When I met him, he told me the reason of his absence. He was so close to his uncle that when he is still alive they shared so much together even went to an adventure of lifetime together. He escapes the funeral because he doesn't want to be seen weak by crying over the lost and because, he’ll definitely cry over it. But most of all, he escaped because he’d done the best of life with him. He has no regrets and no one to lose. And every time I got really mad at someone, he will ask me 'what if that person got run over by a car, will u cry over her?' it’s my housemate (at that time), so ya, definitely I will. And ... I'm not mad anymore ... Just like that.

Reminiscence that … for 2 and half hours flight, I travel around the memory lane. Have I done the best of life with my father? I am very proud to say, yes I did. I have been living with him, longer than anyone except my mother. He has beaten me harder than he ever did to any of my siblings. He beat me physically and emotionally. When I was a kid, I hated it. But as years takes me to see there’s more to life than hated what he did, I came home every possibility to see him, shake and hugged him, gave him what I earned and told him to look after his health.

Did I have the best memory of him? Although I am a person who treasures memories, and I can remember almost every details of my life … Sadly, I have only one fondest memory of him. The others are too sad to reminiscence. Nevertheless, he has been the person who has a lot of stories to tell and I knew most of it. I didn’t cry at my father’s funeral because I have no regrets. In fact, I didn’t cry at all. I have done the best as a daughter and I secretly praised myself for it when I saw my other half-siblings crying over him. Damn! That certain ‘He’ indeed has a lot impact on my life.

One great thing I learnt from my father’s life, always be organized.

So long my father. You will be remembered, just like you want. I will make sure of it. It’s been a great adventure of life with you. Now, my new chapter of life has begun. At first, it’s too good to be true but I realized my mother's long suffering has been stop by Allah. Looks like, someone has been praying so hard.

So much to plan for my new life.
So much to fight for, so much to take care of.

So long my cradle of life, your stories are live to be told.

Al-fatihah.

i saw the fireworks

Second week to a new year, 2011. And as cliche as it is, people asked about your new resolution.

I must looked back on what happened last year to have a new resolution. So, here it goes.

Best damn things last year?

1. Finally finish (err ... almost) the so-called study.
2. Went home 4 times. (wow .. airasia gotten rich, but aku puas hati)
3. I must say this no matter what. The Car! I got a car and in Brilliant red some more. I finally have something to drive around. Haha.

Best of all last year, I've got a 'heart'. to mend, to take care of, to hold on to, to put all my dreams, to create as many memories as I want.

And I can say, I've finally gotten over someone. I can finally go on a day without asking why. I realized there are no reasons why. Its just happened the way it is.

So this year? I will let the year go with the flow. Thats my resolution.

I saw the fireworks.

Coz baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Firework by Katy Perry.

Happy New Year.

facebook is trend

Antara perkara yang membuatkan aku geli bila bercakap tentang facebook :

1.Status makwe dan pakwe yang saling cinta-mencintai seperti 'Good morning fiance' atau 'My ada dalam hati Dy'. Aku geli habis bila baca. Write pula on the wall of each other. No need to show the world how much both of you in love lah. We already saw the engaged with who in your profile (tapi aku baca gak. Sebabnya, kadang-kadang aku suka dan perlu rasa geli itu. Dan lagi, aku ada cerita nak kutuk mereka dengan orang lain yang kenal mereka)

2.Orang yang click ‘like’ to their own status, link, photos etc. Kelakar!

3.Boyfriend/girlfriend, Fiance/fiancée yang suka status, link or photos of each other. Sungguh cliché! (aku tak kisah kalau suami isteri)

4.Status seperti ‘Today’s Lunch: Nasi ayam, Air Oren’ or ‘at mamak eating Maggi kembang’ (ok, sekadar rekaan)… who in the world wants to know what or where you eat for lunch. ok, mungkin ada. but every time you eat? No, thanks.

5.Status ‘zzzzzzz….’ Sungguh tak perlu!

6.Status yang mengutuk tempat kerja. Tak senonoh, makan gaji gak!

7.Ex-girlfriend yang stalk facebook ex-boyfriend yang dah ada makwe lain and vice-versa. Get a life, he’s so over you!

8.Mereka yang upload gambar makanan setiap kali makan di tempat-tempat favourite dan tagged kawan-kawan with a tagline ‘nyum.. nyum..’. pwtttt ~ sebab aku takde masa nak pegi makan kat situ.

9.Mereka yang update status every 2 minutes. Gila crazy. Takde kerja ke apa?

10.Status seperti ‘hmmm... should I break with him or not’. Kejadah? Do I even know him?

11.Status ibu-ibu muda yang baru lepas bersalin. Selain dari tak habis-habis upload gambar baby, status setiap jam bertukar. ‘sara berak’ ‘sara mandi’ ‘sara minum susu’ ‘sara dah ada gigi’. Adoi, penat aku ‘jaga’ sara kau ni. Bukan nak dengki kau dah ada family sendiri, tapi tulis la sesuatu yang lucu untuk memulakan hari aku yang bujang ni.

12.Status sakit seperti‘hari ini demam’ or ‘got mc today’. memang sakit nak minta simpati.

Anyway, most of the thing yang menggelikan of course la status update. Ada juga orang yang jadi glamour kerana facebook. Bayangkan, just a normal human being living life. Not penyanyi, not ahli sukan. But the next day, a facebook page has been set up for you, by someone who hates your status. And the page has 10,000 facebookers yang click ‘like’. Wow, bukan senang ada 10 ribu orang kat Malaysia yang kenal kau yang takde bakat apa-apa selain daripada mengutuk agama, negeri or bangsa.

Facebook memperkenalkan privacy setting. Facebookers boleh memilih nak bagi siapa tengok status update or even our entire wall. Seperti kes budak Salleh Gregor tu, I think orang yang capture print screen page his facebook status is someone not so close to him, considered there’s only one mutual friend. I don’t give a damn about a spoil kid like this. Their mind is still young. Their experience has yet to come. And thus they had their own judgment about religion, faith and god according to their level of thinking and experience. Well, screw you Kid! You should set the status private. So it can viewed by your only closest friend that shared your ludicrous judgment of religion.

But the most outrageous status is by the pregnant woman from Kedah lives in Johor Bahru. She rise to fame by complaining about Johor having only one Famous Amos shop and adds a preposterous word that sparks controversy among Johorian. Well, needless to say, she is so famous than Famous Amos. Pictures of her profile with her kid are everywhere. Bloggers talk about her. Johorian set up a HATE page for her in facebook. Hey woman … do explore the privacy setting next time.

Aku nak belajar cara-cara meng- hack facebook account. Ada sesiapa boleh ajar? (tanduk kat kepala is to keep the ‘halo’ up high).

guardian of the sacred spirit

Recently, I was on a hunt of a new anime [tired of waiting next episode for the likes of Bleach, Fairy Tail, Uraboku & Occult Academy]. I stumbled upon an already complete anime series by the title Seirei No Moribito - Guardian of the Sacred Spirit. I usually had this distortion feeling watching half of the series of any anime series. But this one is a Wow! I don't even know where to begin with this.

A drop dead gorgeous animation, quite simply and a masterpiece from start to finish. Superb artwork and animation I have ever seen in an anime series. Almost movie quality. Characters are detailed and beautifully animated. Not to mention the always gorgeously detailed backdrops. Combat is incredibly fast-paced, intense and is over so quickly that you’ll miss it if you blink your eyes [ok, kidding]. Well, nothing less expected from anime studio of Production I.G. It has brilliant acting, amazing character development, engaging yet not overly complicated story, beautiful musical score. Directed/co-written by Kenji Kamiyama [Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex]. All of those elements come together to form one of the most well-produced anime.

The story is actually quite simple. Takes place in a feudal setting of Japan, it follows the adventures of Balsa, an incredibly skilled warrior, as she is tasked with the seemingly impossible duty of guarding the life of Chagum, the second prince of the Imperial Family. Balsa first catches the royal family’s eye when she rescues prince Chagum after he falls off a bridge and into the rushing river below. That night Chagum’s mother reveals to Balsa that her son is apparently possessed by the spirit of a water demon, doomed to bring a devastating drought to their lands. For this reason his own father, the emperor, has secretly ordered the prince to be killed.

Balsa accepts the job of protecting the prince and flees the castle in the dead of night knowing full well that on one hand the emperor’s most seasoned warriors will be sent after them, and on the other hand keeping the prince alive could mean the death of thousands due to the prophesized drought. But for Balsa there is only one choice. She will not go back on her word and the prince’s life will be protected at all costs.

The cast of the show is not that large and everyone has an important role to play in the story. Balsa and Chagum are often accompanied by four of their closest allies. First we have Tanda, a childhood friend of Balsa who is an expert herbalist and has been acting as Balsa’s personal medic for years. Next we have shaman Torogai. She is Tanda’s teacher and has incredible knowledge regarding the spirit realm and as old as she may be, she can actually hold her own in a fight. Finally Balsa is joined by Toya and Saya, two orphans who were rescued by Balsa years ago and will do anything in their power to try and repay her.

I really love anime series of a feudal Japan setting and a female protagonist that looks powerful and can take over the world in one swing of her weapon, like Erza Scarlet of Fairy Tail. [hehe].

This one is definitely my favourite of all time. Reasons?

1. So to say, it contains no fan service to speak of. No lolitas, no 14 year olds with DD breast, etc. [I’m kind of tired with that theme]


2. Fantastic action sequences. Do not expect any still-frames, one minute stare contests or lengthy mid-fight discussions. Fully choreographed action and as realistic as it could get with extremely fast and fluid movements. However, this isn’t an action/shounen anime, so fight scenes only occur when the story calls for them. They also do not take entire episodes. My most favourite is the fight between Jiguro Musa and his best friend in the Nine Warriors team that served the King of Kanbal kingdom. Jiguro is Balsa’s caretaker. He raised her up as her father’s request and they live constantly on the run from the King’s assassins.


3. Extraordinary music scores [Kenji Kawai – The one who gave you Ip Man’s music]. The OP, Shine by L'Arc-en-Ciel and EP, To the Loved One by Sachi Tainaka are quite appropriately conveys the pace and mood of the show. But the main strength is the Original Soundtrack. Feudal setting makes the music more traditional-sounding. The most stand-out song is “Nahji no Uta” [the Yakue rice planting song], which is used throughout the series in various forms, relatively important to the central themes of the series and is directly connected to the story. It crops me all over during the series and eventually shows up in full strength, complete with lyrics near the end. It's a beautiful, heart-felt song that is even more powerful when heard in the context of the series.


4. Every character seems to be morally good. With the exception of anecdotes concerning the ruler of a neighbouring empire, no real evil character or general bad guy can be found. Even on the battlefield people seem to be divided only due to circumstances. Everyone basically seems to make the correct decision given the choice. [I will feel tired watching anime with too evil character with the exception of Aizen-sama of Bleach, Hehe.]. Well, after all even in real life most people aren’t inherently good or evil. They’re simply on opposite sides due to events outside of their control.

It is actually the first part of a ten volume fantasy novel series by Nahako Uehashi. The anime aired in Japan on April 7th, 2007 consists of 26 episodes. 2007? Why I haven’t seen this back then? I must be busy catching Bamboo Blade, Rosario Vampire. Ahh, world of ecchi, tsundere, harem etc. [Haha]. Like the first book in the series, the anime's story is concluded but left open-ended enough for a sequel. So far there's no word on whether Yami no Moribito (Guardian of Darkness) will be made into an anime but like all good books, I would love to be reunited with these characters again. Let's hope that Production I.G. and Kenji Kamiyama decide to do another series. I want to see Tanda again. [Oh, why my dream guys always appear only in animation?] Teheehe.

clear your mind

A few days ago, I went for lunch with my officemate somewhere in Sungai Besi area. After lunch, she wants to buy Kuih Apam Balik. It’s a narrow road, penuh sesak dengan kenderaan dan takde tempat parking, and so aku terpaksa turun while she waits in the car. I went to the Apam Balik stall across the road and found an old man and a lady whom I think is Indonesian and probably his helper. I said I want the bigger Apam Balik. There’s only one left. She said okay, and to my utter dismay gets the Apam Balik with her bare hands. HER BARE HANDS, FOR GOD SAKE! I despise people who touch the food with their bare hands especially those yang selling the food. Many times I encounter these so-called situations. And every time I just watch helplessly. I positively thought that there will be no harm on eating it since everyone does the same. When my officemate offered me the Apam Balik, I just said ‘No, Thank you’.

Another time in Bazaar Ramadhan, I went buy some kuih. The girl did wear plastic glove but then with that plastic glove she touches everything else includes the money. A money had gone through many hands includes those touches or selling food you didn’t eat. How unclean is that? Many times I was tempted to ask them to change the food and use a clean plastic glove or just tell them ‘tak mau la, you dah pegang with your bare hands. Dah kotor!’ But of course I never heard anyone ever condemn about that so I thought it would be unnecessary to cause a scene. I just gave jelingan tajam yang to them is worthy not more than seringgit.

Well, of course I didn’t get diarrhea eating those foods but then why waiting to get one if you can prevent it, yes? Its sure is hard growing up with a father who will scold you when you touch your own food walaupun makanan tersebut hanya masuk perut sendiri.

the biggest religion in this world called FOOTBALL

Haish ~ lama sungguh tak update.

Beberapa hari yang lepas, aku nampak iklan World Cup di tv. Dalam hati ‘heh, baru nampak batang hidung’. Years ago in 2006, the World Cup celebration came years before, terasa bahangnya walaupun game belum start. Mungkinkah kerana World Cup kali ini diadakan di suatu tempat yang tak berapa glamour, i.e South Africa? Atau aku je yang rasa tak glamour sebab aku tak minat watching 22 men chasing a black and white ball that if ever an alien invade earth, it will question ‘why must men fighting over one ball’? Don’t they have their own err... balls? Dengar berita, masih ada 500, 000 tiket belum terjual. Yang bangang pegi jual tiket secara online kat negara miskin mcm tu buat apa?

Anyway, bila nampak iklan tu, kawan aku yang turut sama menonton tv pun berkata, ‘wey, aku harap Manchester United menang world cup tahun ni’. Aku pandang dia dengan pandangan yang berkata ‘ko-lebih-ngok-daripada-penganjur-yang-jual-tiket-online’. Walaupun aku bukan lah orangnya yang stay-up until wee hours in the morning just to watch the game held in other part of the world, aku tetap ada rasa ingin tahu siapa menang, siapa kalah, siapa jaring gol… dan World Cup is not about Football Club. Bukan nak tahu David Beckham ada jaringkan gol ke tak (tak kira team mana yg main).

Musim bola tahun 2006, aku tinggal bersama kakak dan abang ipar yang hantu bola. Ketika menjaga kakak yang sedang tunggu hari nak bersalin di PPUM, abang ipar ternampak satu rancangan tv yang mana wartawan akan menemuramah sesiapa sahaja secara rawak. Maka, adalah minah ni... kena tanya, ‘pasukan Negara mana yang anda rasa akan menang match kali ini?’ Minah tu jawab ‘tak kisah lah, yang penting dapat tengok David Beckham’. The match is between Portugal and France. I’m not really a fan of Les Bleus, but surely David Beckham doesn’t sound French to me (ok, takde kaitan).

Anyway, my brother-in-law came home that afternoon and gave me a stack of magazines, all about football. He said ‘if ever a reporter interview you and ask about this World Cup things, don’t embarrass me by knowing only David Beckham. Football is not about him.’ But then, my sister said, it is about David Beckham. Nonetheless, he put a match schedule in front of my room. My duty is to put the score in each box, while he accompanies my sister in labour room. Dutifully, I put the score of every match… which mean, I had to stay-up until late midnight. I did cheat some times. I phone my friends or I just watch the news.

Sebelum World Cup 2006 bermula, berikut adalah perbualan aku dengan Abang Ipar.

Abg Ipar: Which one is your favorite team?
Aku: urmm… it’s between Japan and Korea
Abg Ipar: (look at me dengan hidung berasap) you think this is some sort of Korean Drama with predictable storyline or Japanese animation with a handsome bloke doing kungfu?’
Aku: err… Kungfu kat China kot
Abg Ipar: Whatever… (Put a match schedule in front of my room). Put every score of every match!
Aku: (dalam hati) Mesti cari boyfriend ~

Aku dapat boyfriend yang tak suka tengok bola, tapi suka F1.

Musim bola tiba lagi. Yang kerja kat kedai mamak tambah shift. Mesti bising, susah nak tidur bila jiran atas bawah apartment melalak tiap kali bola ditendang masuk pintu. Nasib baik aku dah ada kereta nak ke office.